Smart Words

A truth my mind made up to mess with me wrestled with the rest of me a few weeks ago, so I gave it up to God, but now I feel differently. I don’t think anyone really knows me, when I was a kid I talked too much about myself, so I let that go deliberately.

If you know me, you know I don’t mean this fully, and I’m sure you can name some examples of when I did or when I will. It might slip out sometimes, when I’m asked or if something’s on my mind, but I don’t know how to plan sharing ample bits of what I’m into, such as films.

I sickly trick myself into thinking this matters because the matter-of-fact is that I shouldn’t define myself by impersonal things. I just wish I could express the thoughts that fall away and mean nothing at all, at least finally in an informal setting.

It’s not the lack of sharing I find unsettling, with myself it’s more so that I don’t know how to add to conversations. I get nervous when the back-and-forth is between two people or more, and even then, one-on-one for some I don’t know when it’s valid to become impatient.

The last time I was on the couch in the living room of the house I’ll live in soon, it finally occurred to me that no one is wired the same. This made me feel a little better for a little longer, then what had reassured me just slowly slipped away. While it’s silly, admittedly, it’s caught back up to me again today.

I can live in the skin of being awkward, I’ve been used to it and thrive in it and have even taught myself to feel alive in it, as that’s the way it has to be. But supposedly now what’s bothering me more than before is I’ve convinced myself I don’t sound as “sure” as I’d like to seem.

Yes it’s okay the way that I am, and I exceptionally love who I am and I will not give that up. But it bothers me that I don't speak so professionally and I can’t stand how much I say the stupid words “like” and “um”.

I’ve become aware of it since my job became to listen to myself after speaking and I’m scared my inflection is immature. That just means I have to force myself to get over this and practice missing marks so that smarter wording becomes my second nature.

It would be cool to talk as composed as I can write because then I wouldn’t rely solely on writing to get my points to come off sound. I propose that a good start might be to get a camera out and expose myself to sharing all my thoughts aloud.

Then in general that might come back around and make talking easier when it’s casual and I could relax at speaking. Then I could fill my head again with the facts I like collecting instead of stressing about what I said in the daytime every evening. I know that always doing that is so odd.